Friday, September 14, 2007

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Consider these two stories side by side:

Flynt, 59, making comeback with Sul Ross State University

UTSA moves closer to adding football

I'm an alumni of UTSA and a current grad school student. In light of the above seemingly unrelated stories, I can't help but believe that in three years I'll be suiting up for the Roadrunners. It's inevitable.

The only question remaining is how long will the University of Texas at Austin dodge a currently undefeated and very mighty, mighty UTSA Roadrunner football program? I suspect it'll be 25 years before UT plays UTSA.

Here are my predictions about the UTSA program:
  1. We will beat UT 100-0 every single time.
  2. UT quarterbacks will cry after each and every game played against UTSA.
  3. Bevo will make some good BBQ.
  4. UTSA wins a national title before UT does it again.
  5. Major Applewhite will edit his own Wikipedia article so that it says he attended and played for UTSA instead of UT.
  6. UT fans will forget Texas A&M exists.
  7. The mayor of Austin, Leslie Cochran will try to trade UT for UTSA. The mayor of San Antonio, Chuck Norris, will decline.
  8. After UT's first loss to UTSA, Bobby Layne will spin around in his grave with such alacrity that the entire cemetery he's in will burn to the ground (tombstones and all).
  9. Due to the shock of it all, Ricky Williams' mental facilities will be radically changed so that he begins to think clearly.
  10. The quality of UT cheerleaders will take a dive. They will start to look like this.
  11. UTSA will get all the overachievers that usually go to Texas Tech and Tech will be forced to start playing players made entirely out of sand and tumbleweeds.
  12. ESPN will stop showing UTSA games because UTSA never loses and people are bored of seeing it.
  13. UTSA will become "America's Team".
  14. UTSA will have to change its mascot to something more awesome and widespread, something like hydrogen.
  15. Bear Bryant will come out of retirement to coach UTSA. His ghost will call plays from UTSA's sidelines for two or three hundred years.
  16. UTSA will never kick an extra point or convert a two point conversion (trying not to run up the score will be a constant point of concern for UTSA coaches).
  17. UTSA professors will genetically engineer a human sized roadrunner mascot to entertain the crowd with crazy and amazing antics.
  18. Heisman trophies will fill the UTSA Sombria. A second Sombria will be built nearby.
  19. UTSA will occasionally play two or three games per week.
  20. Roadrunner fans will tear down opposing teams' goalposts on the road after every single road game and bring them back to UTSA and make a huge pile that will be visible from the surface of the moon.
  21. UTSA will heavily recruit all areas of the planet Earth.
  22. UTSA will play some games blindfolded just to increase the challenge of it all.
  23. UTSA's marching band will be 5,000 strong.
  24. Nevil Shed will smile for a week or two.
  25. UTSA's football program will make so much money that all parking on campus will become valet parking.
  26. UTSA's football stadium will hold 300,000 people.
  27. All UTSA kickers will weigh 250 pounds and play middle linebacker in addition to punting and place kicking.
  28. Entire teams will feign death to avoid playing UTSA.
  29. Each year, UTSA's schedule will consist of teams the NCAA force to play UTSA.
  30. UTSA will play the winner of the Super Bowl each year to determine the overall champion of football.
  31. UTSA players will be covered with nerf-like material in an effort to prevent injuries to opposing players.
  32. A UTSA free safety will be the first college player to weigh over 1,000 pounds.
  33. Early in the program, a UTSA player will put a hit on a UTEP player that causes the UTEP player's skeleton to leave his body.
  34. NBC will drop Notre Dame for UTSA.
  35. UTSA football jerseys will outsell all other sporting apparel for all other teams in all other sports combined for all time.
  36. The UTSA scoreboard on UTSA's side will be able to display four digit scores.
  37. The UTSA football fight song will be the somewhat mellow Praise You by Fatboy Slim.
  38. UTSA touchdowns will cure chickenpox.
  39. No UTSA football player will ever suffer an injury more serious than a stubbed toe in a game.
  40. No UTSA player will ever be arrested for any reason ever.
  41. The President will meet with the UTSA team before every season just to get it out of the way.
  42. The College Football Hall of Fame will be moved to Boerne just to make it closer to the home of college football, UTSA.
  43. The UTSA mascot will beat up all other mascots during games.
  44. Time Warner cable will add a UTSA football channel that will show UTSA football games on tape year round. It will get the best ratings of any channel ever. A second, similar channel will be added three years later.
  45. Jerry Jones will try to buy UTSA's football team.
  46. John Madden will be a season ticket holder and even he will be amazed.
  47. Sometimes UTSA's stadium will get too loud and neighbors will call the police to complain about the noise.
  48. The now defunct Southwest Conference will posthumously award UTSA ten conference championships.
  49. UTSA quarterbacks will all be so good they'll be called halfdollarbacks.
  50. We'll run a 1-2-3-4-1 defense. Nobody will ever be able to get past the first 1.
  51. Sometimes we'll let other teams score out of pity.
  52. The Spurs will watch UTSA practices in order to learn how sports are done right.
  53. UTSA running backs will be able to fly, literally (don't ask me how).
  54. UTSA cheerleaders will be as smart as they are beautiful. None of this.
  55. Footage of UTSA football games will be considered a national treasure by all countries in the world.
  56. Fireworks will go off after every UTSA score. More fireworks factories will have to be built.
  57. The Wile E. Coyote will become very, very depressed and eventually commit suicide.
  58. UTSA offensive success will be measured in miles per game.
  59. So many players will want to play for UTSA that players will only play with UTSA until they score one touchdown. Then, they'll have to either move onto another sport at UTSA or transfer to another school. Nobody will transfer. Our other men's sports programs become as awesome as our football program.
  60. Sometimes it rains on UTSA football games. Nobody cares.
  61. UTSA players will wear knuckle pads in addition to shoulder pads. They hit that hard.
  62. Once UTSA starts playing football, people in Texas will like football even more.
  63. Sometimes UTSA will let the marching band suit up against particularly pathetic teams, teams like Baylor, Oklahoma State, and Rutgers.
  64. For the first ten years of the program, the smallest margin of victory for UTSA will be 45 points.
  65. UTSA will play for the national title in the first year of the program.
  66. UTSA's football program will be so successful that Congress will make America's space program a branch of UTSA's football program. Five years later humans will be living on every planet in the solar system.
  67. Sometimes UTSA will only send 14 players to road games. This is 3 more players than are actually needed to get a victory.
  68. UTSA's offensive line won't block people. It will pound people into the ground.
  69. UTSA's running game will resemble the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
  70. Our air attack will look like this.
  71. Coach after coach will be fired after their team loses to UTSA.
  72. UTSA's play book will have two plays, one for offense and one for defense. These two plays will both be unstoppable.
  73. UTSA's red zone will be 100 yards long.
  74. They will make movies about UTSA footbal, two or fifty-three a year.
  75. UTSA will eschew grass and artificial turf for the stadium's playing surface. UTSA will play on concrete.
  76. All UTSA football players will go on to have successful careers in whatever field they choose.
  77. UTSA will look good in their uniforms (maybe too good).
  78. UTSA pep rallies will prove unnecessary.
  79. "I told you so!" will become UTSA's battle cry.
  80. UTSA will be an honorary member of every conference.
  81. Other teams will adopt UTSA's fight song and mascot in an effort to duplicate UTSA's success.
  82. UTSA will give up just two points its first season when a UTSA running back gets confused and runs the wrong way and is tackled for a safety. That running back never sees the light of day ever again.
  83. Roadrunners in the wild will stand a little taller secure in the knowledge of UTSA's success.
  84. Roadrunners will be fast.
  85. The press box at Roadrunner stadium will be able to accommodate 1,500 people.
  86. Tailgating at Roadrunner stadium will go on 24/7/365 (366 in leap years).
  87. After about 350 years of Roadrunner football, all other teams will give up and stop playing football.
  88. Roadrunner football will be penalty free for its first 3 years of existence. The first penalty will be an unsportsmanlike penalty called on our halfdollarback for being too awesome.
  89. Roadrunner players will play without helmets because they aren't needed. Roadrunners are too tough for helmets.
  90. Sometimes people will tire of talking about Roadrunner football for two or three minutes at a time.
  91. UTSA football coaches will win seven Nobel Prizes in the first 100 years of Roadrunner football.
  92. Eventually, the NCAA will allow opposing players to carry weapons in games against the Roadrunners to make things more fair.
  93. A blog post of 100 Roadrunner football predictions will become the longest blog post in the history of mankind. This post will break all sorts of things.
  94. UTSA Roadrunners can tackle using their pinky finger only.
  95. UTSA football players will run laps around 1604 before home games in order to warm up.
  96. UTSA football will be under constant investigation for NCAA violations but none will ever be found.
  97. UTSA players won't take steroids. Steroids would just hinder their development.
  98. The roadrunner will become the national bird of the United States.
  99. Roadrunner stadium will have large comfortable leather seats.
  100. Earl Campbell will throw out the first pitch at the first UTSA football game. Only later will he realize that isn't done before football games.
There. I did it. The first ever UTSA football smack talk. That felt good. Woot!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Prediction num 101: No one at UT will even know UTSA has a football team for the next hundred years.

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